The Theater

Attending live theater is one of the few activities that separate human beings from the other primates. And unfortunately, most people haven't a clue how to behave when seeing a show. My Seven Cardinal Rules for Broadway, Off-Broadway, the opera, the ballet, and touring groups:

1. Wear something nice. Your fellow theatergoers are paying for the entire experience, which includes being surrounded by fabulous people.
2. When entering a row in which people are already sitting, shimmy in facing the stage. It's better to put you buttocks in someone's face than your reproductive organs.
3. Don't be a hair-hopper. The legitimate theater is no place for a leftover Whitesnake groupie. The person behind your purchased a view also.
4. Keep you head fairly still. I had to get snippy with a woman in front of me recently because her head was bopping like a metronome, and I hate having to get snippy.
5. Turn your cell phone OFF, not on vibrate. Vibrate makes noise, ya dope.
6. Unwrap your candy before the show. And don't crunch it.
7. Don't watch the entire show, then leave right before or during curtain call just so you can be the first one to catch a cab. How incredibly rude to deprive the cast of their applause! The next time I see you do this, I might "accidentally" stick my foot in the aisle and trip you.